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My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Uncategorized

My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Uncategorized

My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Adventure, Art, competitive sport, growing up, Personal, sport, swimming, Uncategorized

giving up competitive sport

I don’t feel that I missed out on my childhood mines was just a bit tougher, more intensive and far more structured. I didn’t go to my friends every day to play video games or hang around the local shop until all hours of the morning. I was swimming. When I wasn’t swimming, I was at the gym or resting for my next session.

Yes I went to parties-with wet hair and wafting chlorine wherever I go-but I went late because I was training and I left early because I had to get up for morning training. I went out with my friends but only on Saturday which was my rest day and we weren’t able to walk a lot because it was my rest day. I got holidays, 2 weeks in summer, 3 days at Christmas and 2 days at new year.

I wasn’t bothered as a child it was all that I knew. I thought I was having more fun because I got to win medals and others didn’t. As I got older I had more freedom I drove myself to training and I got to choose wether to compete or not. This lead to more and more days off and turning up late to training to miss pre-pool stretching.

I came to the conclusion that my days (3650 to be exact) of swimming were over. My life for 10 years has revolved around swimming. What I eat, when I eat, when to go out, when to go to bed. Everything.

Heres a few things I’m scared off.

  1. gaining weight
  2. being bored
  3. feeling down
  4. lack of structure
  5. missing it

Swimming has taught me everything about myself. Its made me strong physically and mentally and given me life skills that I will always carry with me. As much as I’m glad to not have to count lengths anymore I’ll miss the good times. I know when I’m older i’ll tell my kids that once I was fastest in Britain at breaststroke, I was the first girl to compete at British nationals from my club, I have an east district record; and I was a swimmer. I have only positive things to stay about competitive sport and boy will I miss it.

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alcohol, Anxiety, Art, Depression, drugs, growing up, mental illness, Personal, Random, Recovery, Relationships, Sad, Thoughts, Trigger warning, Uncategorized, Writing

drugs vs alcohol

“theres nothing more unattractive than taking drugs?”- a tweet I saw by a young girl who regularly goes drinking using fake ID.

But underage drinking is completely okay?

I was a born alcoholic. Even before I was drinking I was an alcoholic. Its the thought process that causes the disease not necessarily how much you drink. I thought it was cool and I thought I needed it. I didn’t (and don’t) care about the damage it does I just wanted to have a good night. The first time I drank I was 14 and I mixed vodka with gin and consistently took shots until I passed out. I remember making it to double figured of shots. I was alone in my room and I was happy.

Ive never been one to have a drink or two, I get shit faced. I get to a party and freak out about how many people there are (sometimes before the party) and down some vodka. I feel better after that. I don’t always enjoy drunk me, I’m clingy, annoying, loud. I rely on others to get me home or get me water when its my own fault I got into a state. But I like feeling everything and nothing all at once. I like being the life of the party and talking to everyone.

I’ve never had an issue with drugs though. I thought smoking was disgusting at a young age but by 13 had tried a good few cigarettes and I’m now a smoker. Were all going to die anyways. I don’t want to smoke forever but it helps for now. Weed was the next progression. I tried it at a gig, then at another, then in Africa and after that I began to smoke it regularly. I don’t feel too much from it its just a nice pass time. It calms me down and its an easy social activity.

However my partners a stoner. He’s recently began smoking it most days and it bothers me a little. I don’t mind it as an occasional pass time but I’m seeing all his fags turn to joints worries me. I know its not overly bad for you but its the mental effect. I want him to be happy without it. Getting high used to be a thing to do like “lets go get high today” whereas now theres no question about wether he’s high or not.

Any drugs above that I have a very uneasy relationship with. I’ve taken a few and seen others take a lot. I don’t mind them occasionally, very occasionally. I get scared of others taking them especially if I’m not there. When I’m there I feel like I can help and I don’t feel like I’m missing out or that things are going on without me. When I’m gone though I can’t help but worry and think what on earth is going on. its fear of the unknown.

However I do feel that its strange that drugs have SUCH a bad rep when alcohol doesn’t. Ive seen a lot more people in a state because of alcohol than drugs. More people getting their stomachs pumped than overdosing on drugs. Taking a line is disgusting but taking a shot isn’t? Its all wrong, ones just more socially accepted. throwing up just makes you a lightweight and people laugh a bit when in reality your bodies rejecting you. Whereas you get a bit emotional after taking drugs and everyone is near to help you.

But okay, it is illegal. But so is underage drinking? And that is the most glamourised activity for minors.

Underage drinking isn’t a quiet subject but intact its not really a subject its the norm. No-one says “oh they’re underage”. theres no thought about it, they drink.

Im not saying drugs are good and alcohol is bad. Their both bad. What I’m saying is society has a very different views on two bad coping habits. I have a lot of views on them and they’re constantly developing at the minute.

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Anxiety, Art, Depression, Life, Love, mental illness, Personal, Random, Recovery, Relationships, School, Thoughts, Trigger warning, Uncategorized, Writing

2 feelings at once

Ive mastered the art of having two feelings at the same time. I can be anxious and happy, depressed and content. Its just like you can be happy whilst you have the cold and you can have a good day with a broken leg.

Its being able to separate your illness from your general mood. The illness is still bothering me but its just not effecting my feelings. I can have two feelings at once.

I think my mood comes from an overall life perspective, so for example: right now I’m in a stable relationship, I don’t have school anymore, I’m set up for next year etc. But right now I’m very anxious because I’m working tomorrow, but I still feel good. I can have both those emotions playing around my head because I know the anxiety is temporary whereas the happiness could be long term.

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Anxiety, Art, Depression, Life, mental illness, Personal, Recovery, Thoughts, Trigger warning, Uncategorized, Writing

willingness to being rejected

Im recently realising that my lack of excitement about events or the future in general comes from the fear of rejection. Im almost scared of being excited incase I let myself down.

Last year I went for university interviews which did not go well. I was rejected by 4 universities. (it was for vet medicine so its super competitive). And so I was talking to my dad today and he asked if I would reapply and I was like “…” *internally screams*. I always tell people in a joking way that those interviews have traumatised me but in reality they have a little. I’m terrified of rejection now more so because I have experienced it.

I was always told that I was scared of being rejected because I rarely was. same with failure I was told I’m scared of failing because I haven’t failed yet. I don’t agree with this, just because I haven’t got a D in a class or cant do art or sport doesn’t mean I haven’t failed. I got a B when I deserved an A, I went to a swimming competition with the capability of winning and came 9th, I relapsed in my mental health. Ive failed its just not as noticeable because my failures are more “failures of success”. I haven’t failed at that specific thing: I didn’t fail my exam, I still swam well, and I’m still living with mental health problems- but I didn’t win. Im a perfectionist therefore my region of success is very small and failure is very close to that.

Back to the point of this, reapplying to university. I am very aware that the application process damaged my mental health drastically this year and I also know to get in I need to put in a lot of work which I’m currently not capable of. Its taken a lot this year to convince myself that I am still worthy and not let it crush my self esteem. Next year might be the end of it. I don’t know if I can do it again.

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