Sometimes I think something wrong with me. I don’t feel like a normal person.
I use therapy tools without thinking anymore and one I use is rationalising thoughts. So if I have a bad thought I discover why I had it and can I prevent it.
I’m worried. I like to be in early have tea with my family and get to bed. My boyfriend however is always out till early hours of the morning. I don’t worry he’s doing anything bad I just wish he was home all safe.
See I worry about people I care for. It’s my best and worst quality because I forget about everything else. When I’m in my house my only goal is to make my mum happy. I clean, go to the shops, make tea, walk the dog ANYTHING so that she’s calm and we’re not arguing. I do it for my sake too, it’s a lot of effort to rebel. I wanna make my boyfriend happy, go out if he wants to, buy him food, gifts, watch his tv programmes. I like making people happy I feel like it gives me purpose.
I wouldn’t say I forget about myself. I usually try to do something that makes me happy and if it’s going to upset anyone I don’t. It’s easier that way. Well a bit.
It gives me this feeling of dread. I used to get it before I competed and it’s the purest worry. I got told that nerves and excitement are really similar feelings but you won’t mistake this for excitement. It’s so deep in your body it makes you want to dig it out. Run until it’s left behind. Or eat until you crush it.
But what’s the point? Worrying stupid. It doesn’t get you anywhere.
If you can give yourself reasons to worry besides from “they might die on the way home” or ” what if they’re tired” then it’s okay to worry. Otherwise it’s just another aimless pit of anxiety.