Advise, Anxiety, Art, growing up, Life, Love, mental illness, Personal, Poetry, Random, Recovery, Sad, Thoughts, Trigger warning, Uncategorized, Writing

An avalanche of worry

Sometimes I think something wrong with me. I don’t feel like a normal person.

I use therapy tools without thinking anymore and one I use is rationalising thoughts. So if I have a bad thought I discover why I had it and can I prevent it.

I’m worried. I like to be in early have tea with my family and get to bed. My boyfriend however is always out till early hours of the morning. I don’t worry he’s doing anything bad I just wish he was home all safe.

See I worry about people I care for. It’s my best and worst quality because I forget about everything else. When I’m in my house my only goal is to make my mum happy. I clean, go to the shops, make tea, walk the dog ANYTHING so that she’s calm and we’re not arguing. I do it for my sake too, it’s a lot of effort to rebel. I wanna make my boyfriend happy, go out if he wants to, buy him food, gifts, watch his tv programmes. I like making people happy I feel like it gives me purpose.

I wouldn’t say I forget about myself. I usually try to do something that makes me happy and if it’s going to upset anyone I don’t. It’s easier that way. Well a bit.

It gives me this feeling of dread. I used to get it before I competed and it’s the purest worry. I got told that nerves and excitement are really similar feelings but you won’t mistake this for excitement. It’s so deep in your body it makes you want to dig it out. Run until it’s left behind. Or eat until you crush it.

But what’s the point? Worrying stupid. It doesn’t get you anywhere.

If you can give yourself reasons to worry besides from “they might die on the way home” or ” what if they’re tired” then it’s okay to worry. Otherwise it’s just another aimless pit of anxiety.

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Advise, Anxiety, Depression, growing up, mental illness, New Years resolutions, Personal, Recovery, Relationships, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Writing

what are you doing New Years?

The answer is usually “nothing” or “going out drinking”. Its expected as a youth of today to spend every occasion in a club getting “pure wasted”. This is probably very hypocritical because I also got wasted on NYE and finished my night throwing up all my £5 drinks. I don’t mind it every now and again. But all the time? I don’t know. 

Since new years I’ve wanted to write because documenting years is something very important to me. I like reflection and I like goals. I suppose I haven’t written quite so urgently because I didn’t want to set myself up for this year. “This year will be great”, bullshit. So I started this new year at the bells pretty roughly. Me and my bf had an argument the day before which we both ignored because we didn’t have the time to deal with it. I guess for once I was over it and he wasn’t (its not usually that way). So he started that night in a pretty rough mood whilst I was having a great time. We had a few disagreements all night up until the bells where we did “thankfully” kiss. I was relived thinking it was all over. However I was so wrong. I made the slightest mistake and bang I set him off. Im obviously not going to go into detail about the situation but in a summary,  he was upset and when he’s upset it comes across as anger. It was super important to me that I was able to let him show me his sadness instead of anger and as soon as it happened it all fizzled away instantly.

You might wonder why I’m telling you about this? Couples fight all the time, right? I guess my point is “new year new me” or “this will be my year” is such unrealistic goals. Since new year me and my partner have been great, amazing. We’ve both been happy individually and as a couple despite going into 2018 on very rocky terms. don’t think about years too much or it will drive you mad. The only way it can be “your year” is too only look at the positives in a year.

But hey, I’m super hypocritical. So heres some personal goals for future me.

  • look at the positives and if there aren’t any make them
  • don’t be scared to go out your way for people
  • don’t cause arguments when you feel fragile and need attention
  • and in addition when you need some help or guidance ask for it instead of trying to show it
  • do things for yourself even if your parents disapprove
  • keep being a creative, write, document and share

Thats all my views of new year for now. This year could be awful and I’m excited for it.

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Advise, Anxiety, Art, Depression, mental illness, New Years resolutions, Personal, Random, Reasons, Recovery, Sad, Thoughts, Trigger warning, Uncategorized, Writing

Who needs to be heard anyways

Exactly a year ago tomorrow I wrote a post called “shout to be heard” I guess you could say it was my mental health journey whilst still in the middle of it all. I’m a reflective person and I like to confuse stories so here it goes.

Since then I went to MYPAS, a local counselling service. It was the most awkward sessions in my life (and I’ve had a lot). The idea is it’s self directed counselling so the session is directed by the patient and not the counsellor, they’re just there to guide your thoughts. Therefore we didn’t talk. Well, we talked about what to have for dinner and what it’s like to be in a shitty mental health service. It didn’t help me all it did was make me realise I wasn’t ready for counselling or I’d had far too much. I think I lasted around 4/5 sessions. However it wasn’t all bad my counsellor thought I might actually be experiencing trauma and recommended a place I’d go and get checked; I never did but it’s a nice thing to have.

The process of trauma treatment scares me and I’m not ready for it. But the thoughts fizzling away at the back of my brain and when it’s finished fizzling I’ll explore it.

I gave up with the doctors completely. I was meant to go for fortnightly “checks”. Hahah still depressed. I wasn’t up for it. All the doctors done was made me cry all day and that meant for at least 3 days after I couldn’t function out of pure anger and sadness.

It’s not all bad though not at all. After I left school in may I felt a lot better. ( after sobbing for a few days about how sad I was that is). It all stared to go well. I guess I just ignored my issues but it helped. I got in a relationship which helped me get out of those dark times and helps me when I fall back into them.

So I guess the question now is: how am I? Am I better?

Yes, a bit. Not being in the process of treatment is actually pretty good for me as constantly being reminded I’m sad only reinforces it in my brain and it becomes an obsession. I don’t have people telling me it could be worse or diagnosing it for me. I wake up I might be happy sad anxious excited depressed. No one can tell me differently. I like that. Im better I’ll never be good. All I can say is I dunno how I got threw it last year because looking back I realise how awful it was.

Sometimes counselling isn’t actually the answer. Groundbreaking stuff eh.

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My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Uncategorized

My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Uncategorized

My 3 part problem 

Right now in my life I have 3 things. Photography, skating and relationships. Besides from that I have a shitty job and a few friends that don’t really care about me. So I have 3 things that matter. And that’s fine if those 3 things are all going well all the time. BUT, let’s start with photography. 

Everyone can take a photo and anyone can come up with an idea. The problem I have is I love everyone else’s ideas and I look at mine thinking they’re nothing. It’s not a good or not good thing. It’s subjective. Meaning I can’t be 100% confident in my work because someone won’t like it. Which is fine but it means success is always shaded. The other problem is it’s stressful. Its not my hobby it’s my coursework. I have to take photos. That illuminated freedom and relaxation from it. 
2. Skating. It a hobby. I started it because my boyfriend does it and it was one of the only ways to see him and not be bored. I do enjoy it but when I fail I get so annoyed because I’ve failed me and him.  
3. Relationships. My friends family and boyfriend are all a sticky situation. I love them all but they all have downfalls. I can’t count on them all the time and that’s my problem. 
I need to stop trying to change these 3 things and just make a fourth. 

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Adventure, Art, competitive sport, growing up, Personal, sport, swimming, Uncategorized

giving up competitive sport

I don’t feel that I missed out on my childhood mines was just a bit tougher, more intensive and far more structured. I didn’t go to my friends every day to play video games or hang around the local shop until all hours of the morning. I was swimming. When I wasn’t swimming, I was at the gym or resting for my next session.

Yes I went to parties-with wet hair and wafting chlorine wherever I go-but I went late because I was training and I left early because I had to get up for morning training. I went out with my friends but only on Saturday which was my rest day and we weren’t able to walk a lot because it was my rest day. I got holidays, 2 weeks in summer, 3 days at Christmas and 2 days at new year.

I wasn’t bothered as a child it was all that I knew. I thought I was having more fun because I got to win medals and others didn’t. As I got older I had more freedom I drove myself to training and I got to choose wether to compete or not. This lead to more and more days off and turning up late to training to miss pre-pool stretching.

I came to the conclusion that my days (3650 to be exact) of swimming were over. My life for 10 years has revolved around swimming. What I eat, when I eat, when to go out, when to go to bed. Everything.

Heres a few things I’m scared off.

  1. gaining weight
  2. being bored
  3. feeling down
  4. lack of structure
  5. missing it

Swimming has taught me everything about myself. Its made me strong physically and mentally and given me life skills that I will always carry with me. As much as I’m glad to not have to count lengths anymore I’ll miss the good times. I know when I’m older i’ll tell my kids that once I was fastest in Britain at breaststroke, I was the first girl to compete at British nationals from my club, I have an east district record; and I was a swimmer. I have only positive things to stay about competitive sport and boy will I miss it.

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